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Something that’s become very clear to me over the years is that what people say they are very often is different from what they do. As a species we are constantly making choices and actions that run directly contrary to what and who we claim to be.

That’s not to say that everybody is lying all the time. I’m not that cynical. I think people’s actions sometimes DO support their word. But speaking only for myself, I can say with absolute certainty that at various times in my life, my word and my actions have been inconsistently aligned. Sometimes, I have been highly aligned. Other times, not so much.

Right now is a lot more of the latter.

As best I can recall, it started about a year ago, as Diana and I were preparing to move. Our lease was up and we didn’t want to renew, so a move was necessary. The closer and closer we got to the move, the poorer and poorer we ate. Well, let’s be honest… the The closer and closer we got to the move, the more and more conveniently we ate. It just happens that by and large, convenient food is poor quality food (at least, from an inflammation management perspective). “As soon as we get moved,”, we told ourselves, “we’ll get back on the bandwagon.”. But we didn’t. And then along came the holidays, and as we all know, it’s hard to eat healthily around the holidays.

It’s not that there weren’t signs. I was gaining weight and feeling less energetic, especially in the mornings. In November, I got really sick with some kind of bug, and my gut hasn’t really been the same since… The vast majority of my poops these days are on the higher end of the Bristol scale. I even had my first leakage accident on my way to work one day. Today, I weight almost as much as I did when my guts first blew up.

I keep saying that I want to lose weight. I keep saying that I want my gut to be healthy. I keep saying that I value my health, and that I believe a healthy diet is an indispensable aspect of creating that. I keep saying that I want to be in shape for track season this year. I keep saying lots of things.

And I keep doing things that are the opposite.

To give myself credit where it’s due, I’ll allow that I’ve been really good about making bone broth and drinking it for breakfast and sometimes lunch or dinner. And I’ve been making incremental progress towards some fitness goals. But I’m still eating crappy food, and not declining treats when they are available. I’ve not been opting for gluten-free bread, when I shouldn’t even be eating *any* bread

so here I am, 20 lbs heavier than I want to be (I currently have only 2 pairs of pants that fit!), feeling generally cruddy, and spending too much time with Bristol #’s 1, 2, 6, and 7.

I went to see my GI doc last week. As a general rule, I find him a little too deeply rooted in the allopathic tradition for my taste, but his bedside manner is good and he’s willing to listen to my crazy ideas about gut health. He had no pressing concerns about my current state, but ran a couple of blood tests anyway (sedimentation and CRP… still waiting on the results.) He cautiously gave me an Asacol prescription. He said to just sit on it until/unless I felt like I needed it. I’m not too proud to say that I’m considering it.

I can’t help but ask myself why, though. I think to some degree I’m hoping that it’ll create some benefit for me without my having to work for it. Following SCD is hard… there’s a reason I’ve unofficially quit for the last year. And it’s harder when, unlike some, I’m not immediately and drastically punished for transgression. I know that what I really need to do, if I’m serious about what I say, is to start over again. Do the intro diet, slowly reintroduce foods, and get once again friendly with being chronically hungry.

When I first started SCD, I was told from people already on it (or previously on it) that eventually your appetite stabilizes, and you start to lose your cravings for sugar. I’m not going to say they were lying, but I will say that neither of those things happened for me. Even after 3 years of very strict SCD compliance, I never stopped dreaming (literally dreaming!) about and craving sugar. I never stopped being hungry. Sometimes I was less hungry than others, but I was always hungry.

I know that in the past, some of you have come here looking for inspiration. Allow me to turn the tables… how do YOU get back on the wagon when you say you want to eat better, but it feels like what might happen in the future is just not as important as eating a donut right now?

And what about Asacol? Have you taken it? What was your experience? It sounds relatively innocuous, as these things go, but I also haven’t really spoken to anyone that’s taken it.

This post, like my diet, has gone completely off the rails, so I’m closing for now.

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