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The Fremont Bridge in Portland, Oregon from th...

Fremont Bridge from the East bank of the Willamette River. Image via Wikipedia

Despite the name of this blog, it’s been a blissfully long time since my gut was actually cranky. Weeks, probably. Praise be to SCD! It’s also been a blissfully long time since there was a traffic jam on my way to work in the morning. I suppose it makes a poetic sort of sense that both of these things should happen at the same time this morning.

My commute is not very long. When traffic is favorable, it’s about 12 minutes door-to-door. This morning, traffic was the opposite of favorable. Traffic slowed to a crawl as I was entering the Fremont Bridge. Not a big deal. But about 1/3 of the way across the bridge (moving at about walking speed!), it happened… a wave of crampy, nausea-inducing pain and urgency rolled across my midsection. From my vantage point, I could see the next half mile of traffic, but whatever was causing the traffic was beyond that. It was obvious I was going to be stuck in this traffic for a while.

I must confess that I was starting to feel some panic at this point. The loud gurgling and intense pain was not helping. As I slowly creeped forward, a few feet at a time, I began to wonder which would be worse… to pull over and poo all over the roadside with hundreds of people watching and no TP? Or to just lose it in the car? Yes, folks… these are the kinds of things IBD-ers think about!

As I neared the far end of the bridge, I was able to see the obstacle causing the backup. That mangled car looked about how my colon felt. I knew that once I got past the wreckage, it would be less than 5 minutes before I was in the office and would have a bathroom available. And so began a conversation with my colon. I spoke to her, displaying compassion and empathy, and encouraging patience and soothing relaxation. I decided at this point that perhaps my colon needs a name. I’ve not yet decided on one. Suggestions?

Finally, we crept past the wrecked car and I saw wide open highway ahead of me. With no hesitation, I brought the hammer down, hurling 4000 lbs of oversized car down the highway at barely legal speed. It was with no small amount of joy that I pulled into the parking lot and all but ran into the office building to find that the restroom was not occupied! After 20 minutes of turning myself inside-out into the toilet bowl, I emerged victorious, with a smile of relief and satisfaction on my face.

Today is our office holiday party, with lunch at some local place followed by a couple of hours at the local bowling alley. I may skip lunch, that I might continue to enjoy my currently delightful sense of emptiness!

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